Dyspraxia and sex Well, i guess the "Good things happen" blog can wait until morning, because its currently half past three in the morning, i attempted to sleep well over 3 hours ago now, and my head wont let me turn off until I get this out of it. So here we go.

Basically - Im having a multitude of problems i need to explain, or I may just volcano, all of them are on these two subjects, Dyspraxia and Sex.

I’ve always been a romantic, I’ve always searched for that so called "true love" that perfect partner in the perfect moment, which will lead to the life together, overcoming anything in our way, perhaps I’m a little too sensetive when i think about these kinds of things, but I’ve just always wanted to find that person who for once made me feel good about being me, and love me for being me as much as i’d love them for being them.

So far, ive had 5 failed attempts over what is now almost five years in this search, and all I keep getting told is "Thats life" or "It doesnt exist"

The first answer, well - you all know, my opinion on that line being said on such a large scale sounds like nigh-global brainwashing, and i refuse to believe the second answer, but this isnt even all of the problem.

Basically, i have my sensetive side - and **sigh** im gonna have to admit this sometime . . .

I’ve never known if this is purely me, or dyspraxia and me, but I have always, always felt lost, all of my life, i have been wishing for someone to just take my hand and walk beside me, to care for me as much as i care for them, the kind of person who, we could bring a smile to each others faces with a meer word or gesture, the insane in-jokes no-one else would get, the odd conversations about, well nothing at all . . . i longed for that kind of thing all my life, and one 3 occasions I thought iI had found it, or at least something close to it.

But there is a darker side to this to.

The dyspraxia isnt alone in this, I am also a massive nerd, which means I have a nerds sex drive, and I’m not going to lie to myself about it any more, the urge to just damn well screw anything female and good looking in front of me.

But those two sides against each other, in the midst of everything else in this blog, and behold my headfuck.

 . . . and then there are the roadblocks - I cant explain.

Any time i find a girl i even remotely like, every time, without fail, all it seems I have to do, is think the meerest thought about liking them, and I set off a chain of events before me, I dont even need to tell anyone, hell - most of the time I dont, but the moment I think about liking a girl, I drive her away from me - its almost like a forcefield, on more than one occasion, I swear that me moving towards a girl, has repelled her off the barrier and moved them without moving thier feet - ITS THAT LITTERAL.

In the cases of those i do get a chance to talk to - If the defence mechanisms DONT raise through dyspraxia, apparently im not confident enough, and even worse - if the dyspraxia defence mechanisms DO raise, im an innuendo sprouting cockbite . . .

Yet, whenever a girl likes me, more often than not, they go through the "Socially accepted" plans of dating, and going out - but I cant read the signs, the body motions and language - and those few, those rare few that drop the shite and admit they like me and give things a chance, have so far either used me/been used for/lied to me/deliberatly put me in situations which have broken my confidence, and I honest to god feel unattractive and have little to no confidence.

So basically - if this is a headfuck so far, I’m not finished yet humble audience . . .

Next theres the subject of casual sex, which I’ve had the grand total of once, yep once - back in york, 2005 . . . remember that threesome half of my friends cant believe I had? yep that was it - that was the one and only time I’ve ever had it.

I honestly believe thats the only time I’m ever going to get it too, not because I’m not that big on the idea, but because of all the social interection of how it comes about.

If im in a pub, guess what - shes taken, not interested, or so drunk i have to just plain make sure she doesnt choke on her own tounge/vomit - and YES i have had to do that before, if anyone remembers the time i had to look after Mikki back in daventry.

If its "Fuck buddies" then, you might as well put a line through that idea right now, I’ve never ended up in that position, and thanks to Heather number 2’s damage, the one thing that could at least of raised my mood on this a little, is the one thing I’m scared of the most.

Yep, thats right - the one thing im raving about, Sex - is the one thing i want the most, and fear the most - on top of all this shite.

And to get in a postition to get anything close to what i want, I’ve been told i have to change my appearance, and my personality, basically i have to change ME.

First of all - looks - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I LOOK BETTER LIKE THIS! hoddies, short cropped/mohawked/gelled hair looks great on some people, but not me, i am not a chav, i do not look good like that, and in all honesty - if you people payed any attention to my myspace, and looked at my old photos, me with short hair makes me look like a fucking ugly down syndrome kid in EVERY PHOTO . . . im keeping the hair, so piss - the - fook - off!

Got it?

Second of all - personality . . . have any of you ever tried living in someone elses mind, i cant even imagine it, so how can you, how can you turn off the dyspraxia reactions? when i turned up to faded glory, i spent half of thursday with a frog in my throat and i didnt know if i was going to CRY or not, i have no clue why - it just overcame me. So imagine trying to turn off every single defence machanism i have had to build up through years of being played with, bullied and lied to - the urge not to sprout innuendo to make a cheap laugh to cover my own nervousness, the urge to run when someone gets to close, when i want someone close, the urge to hide . . . you have no idea how anything like that feels when its set to magnification factor ten, do you? yet you still tell me to "try and calm down a bit" when ive been like this my entire life, every attempt at simply turning it off makes me feel worse and makes an even bigger cock-up sprout out of my mouth, and any attempt to "act less like myself, be calmer, be normal, be ADULT"

I love that word, they love to use "ADULT" - so far, every attempt to act "ADULT" like everyone expects me to, without fail - has lead to depression, can a person not be intelligent, witty and happy without having to act like that? evidently not. You have to self-depress yourself into shit, and spend the rest of your life repeating "thats life" in an attempt to shift the blame on a non-corporeal entity that isnt yourselves.

So take your "Calm down" and "Adult" mindsets and shove them up your arses, i dont need yet more social confusion and self-induced depression, i have enough of that allready.

And oh yeah - lets not forget the little bombshell of, if im going to be utterly truthfull, i might as well let this fly and kiss good-bye to my manhood forever (after this non-sencical ranting, like i have anything left) . . .

Basically, in the few times i have finally gotten what i wanted and felt happy, finally had that chance for a sexul fantasy - guess what?

Ive been fantasising about it so much, for so long - the sex fueled maniac takes over, over my sensitive side - and then - chickens out.

Long story short, i still can’t finish - fucking irony for you isnt it? After thinking about it, dreaming about it for so long, the moment i get any chance at the horizontal monster mash, i cant perform the vinager stroke, I couldnt do it with Vez half of the time, i couldnt do it in august 2005 (those girls whos names i cant remember any more) and i couldnt do it with Heather. And after recent events, as I said, the one thing I want, is the one thing I fear - and if i ever get my head around this, and get the chance to be that close to anyone again - I’m not sure if i’ll ever be able to overcome fear/nervousness and finish, or just run away from whomever the female partner would be out of utter fear and miss-trust.

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Long story short . . . I feel unnatractive, my confidence is being drained by this, by the day - I cant come up with an answer, every time anyone offers to help, I end up stumping them, and I get no answers - and If anyone does offer a half-answer, its childish or sounds like a stop gap or a cliche because they dont have a real answer.

The one thing i want, is the one thing im scared of, I drive people away by meerly thinking about them, if I dont think about them and manage to get close to them, the defence mechanisms kick in and drive them away, either way it goes - my sensetive side and sex fueled maniac in my head will end up argueing about it.

When it comes to the question of "why" all I get told is that I need to change physically and mentally, when I’m supposedly living in a world where everyone is equal and no-one has to change.

And if it comes around to fuck buddies or casual sex, ideas I was never keen on, you might as well put the words "Craig Mansfield will never have . . . " in front of them, because Im to socially inept, or I’m shit scared of them.

And the whole irony of never finishing if I ever get anywhere near that kind of situation, God has a sence of humour, I must admit, but all its making me want to do is kill myself so i can find the bastard and rip out his fucking jugular vien with MY TEETH!

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This has been my bout of insanity for tonight, it is now 4:30 am, and I’m still not tired. For the love of god, someone out there - please answer me or instatutionalise me, I’m sick and tired of this shit, and my head is now 70/30 in favour of cutting women out of my life . . . . **sigh** night all . . .

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